I was driving through the sunset-painted stretch from Forth Worth to Waco yesterday.. admiring the beauty around me, wondering when the last time was that I cleared my mind to just exist wholly in the Lord's presence. And I started asking for a breakthrough in our relationship (God's and mine), not a revolution, but a realization, a baby step in the right direction. During my Monday evening jog I had contemplated the concept of being punished for sin, and what that might look like in my life. My mind immediately went back to the jog from a few days earlier, and an influx of emotion made its way to my face. As quickly as the tears had come to my eyes, they were rolling down my cheek and onto my shorts. And in that moment of vulnerability and weakness, I could pray...really pray, I mean.. hear and respond... to finally realize that for the last 6 months, I haven't been held captive by imaginary thoughts of future or overwhelming desire. No, not at all as I had thought. On the contrary, I have been undergoing what is most certainly punishment for my sin.
I'm driving still, offering all south-bound traffic the opportunity to think up crazy scenarios of what poor blondie in the Honda must be going through. No shame, completely bear-boned and naked before the Lord (figuratively, of course), I was experiencing the break-through I prayed for just moments earlier. And I realized the "don't do it" feeling in my gut last November was much more than my conscience telling me this is wrong; it was my God telling me there will be consequences for my actions, should I choose to proceed. Have I sinned before? umm yeahh..and this particular sin? plenty of times. But this time I heard the voice of reason in well-enough time to make the right decision, yet I still chose to follow through with the wrong one..that's deliberate disobedience, a slap in the face to the one trying to protect me. It's a reflection of the lie I've sorta been living for as long as I can remember...The same lie that got me detention in high school and my first speeding ticket. The lie that is responsible for tons of great stories, but has caused me a lot of pain.. The lie that I don't answer to anyone but myself.
For as long as I can remember, I've never really been afraid of consequences. I always thought I wasn't doing anything bad enough to get in any real trouble, or that what I was doing wasn't wrong - maybe irresponsible, but not wrong. I have been free as a bird, living a carefree, happy-go-lucky life, uninhibited by the worry and stress that burden the rest of the world! That's what makes me me! ..True, yeah..but also a bit selfish and immature. I would always pride myself in not living a mundane life, in living a life of adventure and risk. I still do. But allowing that free spirit to leak into my decision-making and into my social and spiritual responsibilities has given me a sense of entitlement that I do not own...an entitlement to act however I want and say whatever I want so long as my intentions are pure.
So I've been tangled in this 6-month web of deceit and misspent passion as a result of my deliberate disobedience. Freedom couldn't come until I learned. I couldn't learn until I understood. And I couldn't be forgiven until I was actually sorry. Punishment has a good way of making us remorseful...which in turn, has a good way of making us grow and change. Now to get to the root of the sin.. hmmmmm.
Is there a mountain in your life that may exist because you've sinned?..Feel separated from God, or like something is holding you back? Maybe, like me, you're suffering as a result of your sin, which is ultimately separation from God (loneliness, hurt, anxiety or depression, insecurity, pride, self-righteousness..)? Dig deep with Him, brother or sister, because I promise you He loves you so tenderly and unconditionally that he wants nothing but the very best for you.
xo - Laura
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Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. JAMES 1:14-16
