The Perfection Strife

For I know in part & I prophesy in part; but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. (taken from 1 Corinthians 13:9)

I was confronted by the all-familiar face of conviction the other day. I love being corrected but it hurts every time. Anyway, I was convicted about this sneaky little (huge) sin that has held me captive since grade school – the perfection strife. Of course, by convicted I don’t mean a soft sweet voice whispered in my ear that I need some heart changes; we’re talking more like the sky opened up & dropped a bright red 2-ton boulder on my head. What's worse than the headache is the imprint it left across my forehead, which reads “STILL TRYING.”

The same struggle that I’ve surrendered multiple times. The same sin that pushes many of us into fear, into self-righteousness, into overwhelming anxiety. In Romans 9, we see how that turns out for the  hard-working Jews, God's "chosen people," who are committed to righteousness by striving on their own accord; & how it turns out for the Gentiles, who have nothing to believe on but faith. Here’s what happens:

“What should we say then? Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained righteousness – namely the righteousness that comes from faith. But Israel, pursuing the law for righteousness, has not achieved the righteousness of the law. Why is that? Because they did not pursue it by faith, but as if it were by works. They stumbled over the stumbling stone. As it is written:

            Look! I am putting a stone in Zion to stumble over

and a rock to trip over, yet the one who believes on Him

will not be put to shame.”

- Romans 9:30-33

I’m not good at being the care-free, perfectly focused girl who lets herself be pursued by her dream guy. I’m not good at being the perfectly selfless friend who doesn’t think about her own foolish travesties while lending an ear.  I’m not good at being the girl who perfectly manages her time & never misses an opportunity to consider the needs of others before her own.  Furthermore, I'm not going to be the employee who does everything right, changes the way the market works, & brings infinite fortune & good will on her company tenfold. I’m just not. And I don’t know what’s worse – the sin of me thinking I can be those things, or the guilt & shame that overwhelms me from failing every time I try.

And there we have it – I'm modeling at least 2 of the ways that we try to play God. His role, of course, is absolutely irreplaceable. There is no other God; and God does not need an understudy. 

When we try to be manage our relationships perfectly, when we try to maintain this false image of having it all together, when we act like we can get or do more by trying harder, we're saying  “Hey, God, Don't even worry about making it to the show tonight. I'll be there right on time to act out the part & hey.. I won't even ask for my name to be in the program!" ..What a joke. It's no surprise we wouldn't get a standing ovation. Not to mention, when we do that, God is still there playing the role of God, which means we're fumbling around the stage fighting for lines without noticing He's there doing His thing.

We do not get to be perfect (Philippians 3:12)

We are not expected to be (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Our sins have been paid for (Isaiah 53:6)

We are proclaimed righteous by the cross (Romans 5:1) 

We are co-heirs with Christ of the kingdom of God (Romans 8:17) 

Food for thought:

-When we fear that we are going to “mess it up, ” it is wise to remember that if it is in God's will, we can’t mess it up (Romans 8:28)

-If we are afraid to try something because we are afraid of failing, we have to remember that we weren’t given a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear (Romans 8:15)

And I know that there is nothing good in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. – Romans 7:18-19

Daddy, let me rest in your grace. Let me see YOUR righteousness when I look in the mirror. I can’t bare the guilt of my own sin, of my shortcomings that are inevitable. And You already have. Teach me to respect what happened on the cross. With a humble heart & a thankful spirit I acknowledge that You are God and I am absolutely not. You are sovereign, and I couldn’t take on that responsibility if I actually wanted to. I bring to you my broken, needy mess & lay it at your feet in exchange for a crown. God make beauty from my ashes & a garment of praise from my heaviness. Forgive me for thinking I can or must do anything good by my own strength.

xo

How to Produce Oxygen

I've been making difficult changes. My prayers have been for the wisdom to categorize my relationships..to distinguish which soils are toxins and which are food. As undeniably naive as I am, this isn't something that comes easy. I know good and bad, I know right and wrong; but I struggle with reason. It isn't that I'm desperate to believe everyone is good. It's that I believe it. And I am happy to have a heart that allows the reality of what's behind a character flaw to outweigh the actual flaw - I accredit that only to having prayed for years that I would see and love people the way Jesus does. But now, with a twisted arm and heavy heart, I've finally started praying for the wisdom and courage to form healthy boundaries. It's torturous almost, but I know it's right. 

If you're anything like me, it may have taken a few dying branches to understand the importance of using discretion to create boundaries. We are called to love without condition and without favoritism; but we are warned against being unequally yoked spiritually. 

The problem with taking root in toxic soil is that it will ultimately poison the tree; how, then, will the tree produce the oxygen it was intended to make? 

Don't be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals. - 1 Corinthians 15:33

He who walks with the wise grows wise. -Proverbs 13:4

Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge. -Proverbs 14:7

How happy is the man who does not follow the advice of the wicked or take the path of sinners or join a group of mockers! Instead, his delight is in the LORD's instruction and he meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted beside streams of water that bears its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. -Psalm 1:1-3

Absolutely stainless

The other day I was just standing in the presence of the Lord, grateful and showing my affection with arms spread side to side and face to the sky. The worship team at my church played a series of songs I couldn't rename to you if I wanted to because I was so lost in the all-encompassing goodness of the God I love so deeply. I saw this image that was more like a screenplay of a futuristic time-lapse. It started with a birds-eye view of myself standing naked and vulnerable with my hands slightly lifted to show a silent surrender. The surrounding scene was dark but not black, cold but not eerie; and then the focus shifted to another girl and then another and more after those - all of very different build, color, height and stature. One by one each of the girls was touched by a strong hand, and so gracefully went from wearing a worn face and ragged clothes to a beautiful white dress and radiant glow. Each dress was so detailed and unique to the girl, even down to the jewels adorning their neck and hands, if any. It seemed like ages went by while I was witnessing an outstanding number normal girls be transformed into glowing princesses-daughters of the king. And finally! FINALLY it was my turn! It almost caught be by surprise because I was so enjoying spectating. This time, as the Lord set his hand out for a gentle touch of my head, the vision zoomed to me in my glorious white dress hunkering before the cross, taking hold of the dirty feet bound to it by nails. And I kissed them. over and over and over, sobbing with more intensity every kiss until I started climbing up the cross to embrace the sufferer.  His blood dripped onto me every inch of the way and as it hit my cheek or my shoulder or my stark-white dress every time it absorbed into my skin or clothes leaving absolutely no mark. And although I was literally climbing, clinging to every part of his body as it were my own life, the dirt, mud and debris that covered his skin and clothes didn't so much as smudge mine. He was covered in absolute filth and I was..absolutely stainless.


"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though the are red like crimson, they shall be as wool." -Isaiah 1:18

A Psalm 139 Intimacy

LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.

You observe my travels and my rest;

You are aware of all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue,

You know all about it, LORD.

You have encircled me;

You have placed Your hand on me.

This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.

It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

It is often my desire to be known, to be understood, for people to see straight to the heart behind the things I do and say. It's a selfish thing really, and my pride is to blame. Lately I've been trying to understand rather than to be understood, to hear rather than be heard, to watch in admiration at the way people think and act and are rather than to be watched and admired. And it is so reassuring to know when I am overwhelmed with the desire for other people to do the same to me that there is someone who not only sees and understands me, but knows me intimately - and guess what, he knows the selfish and prideful thoughts just as well as he knows the kind and pure-hearted things..but loves me all the same.

For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, 
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.

Wow. How intimate! Where in our hearts is there room for insecurity when the God of all the earth sees the most intimate and secretive parts of us and loves us so so so much? Where do we lack beauty when we are remarkably and wonderfully knit together piece by piece by the God of beauty? Where do we find worry and paralyzing regret when our days were written before we could plan a single one of them??

God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend;
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.
See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way.

In a self-praising society we are inspired to "discover ourselves," understand who we are, find a reason to love ourselves. Finding ourselves is difficult, so we admire the people we think "have it all figured out." As for figuring ourselves out, there's someone who already has - who understands you and me down to why we chew our food the way we do. Shouldn't we trust God's understanding of us more than we trust our own?..much less someone else's? So rise to a bigger challenge:

"God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!"

Pursuit

Pursue love, yet eagerly desire spiritual gifts. (1 Corinthians 14:1)
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The word pursue brings several things to mind that remain uncaptured by Webster's definition.  When pursuing something as powerful as love, I would equate the phrase "to seek out of eager desire; to wholeheartedly go after something - often resulting in and/or requiring the sacrifice of something else."


If we seek to find; and we sacrifice in order to make room for something, we must know that if we seek the wrong things, we'll find the wrong things. Furthermore, we must be careful of what it is we're sacrificing and what it is we're making room for. Let's take a look at what Paul wrote to a young Timothy:

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22)

Impurity and purity cannot coexist in the same heart, neither can sin and righteousness. Take note that before Paul instructs Timothy to pursue righteousness, he tells him to flee from youthful lusts.  This goes back to the idea of sacrificing something to make room for something else.  Deny the sin of lust that entangles. Make room in your heart to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace.

Since we're on the topic, let's zoom in on lust. We pursue things out of desire, but desire isn't always a bad thing, nor does it always give birth to sin. Since we commonly hear about the physical lust that mostly men struggle with, I'd like to explore the emotional lust that women fall victim to.  "When a young lady dreams of her wedding day and someone to love her and call her..whatever sappy gushy nickname she prefers, that's a good desire. But when that desire overwhelms her desire to know God in a deep and real way it becomes a distraction in her life. It is now lust, and it can ruin her spiritual future." (Steven Furtick in his book Love, Dating, and other insanities.)

but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (James 1:14-15)
If a healthy desire takes precedence in her life, heart, and pursuit over her pursuit of knowing God intimately, that distraction has become an idol. One word, girls. DANGER.

Scripture is pretty clear about what we should pursue, and it's safe to say that anything outside of that has the potential to damage your heart and your relationship with the Lord. Wholeheartedly chasing after righteousness, faith, love and peace results in, and requires, the surrender of our own desire to feel loved and wanted by a man. Search your heart to find what it is you pursue that takes up space where Jesus belongs.


What God tells us to pursue:

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)




Wisdom is supreme; therefore, get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

 

He must turn from evil and do good. He must seek peace and pursue it. (1 Peter 3:11)

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. (Proverbs 21:21) 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. (Matthew 6:33)

So I'm Young

My verse of the day yesterday was  2 Timothy 4:2: "Preach the Word, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." 

Today it's the popular 1 Timothy 4:12: "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 

In a lot of ways I feel like I was more mature as a high-schooler. Silly concept, right? But while my innocence was always mistaken for naivety, my relationship with the Lord was so pure before I was introduced to the sins of adulthood. I always hated that I was naive, but loved it at the same time. Before I knew what drunkenness was like, I didn't care for it. Before I knew financial struggle was, I wasn't anxious..

So I cherish my youth, and embrace it. Yeah, I'm living in the big girl world where I have to have a job to support myself and take responsibility for unforeseen circumstances, but I don't have to feel like I need to be older to have the wisdom of the ages. We learn from experience, but it is possible to learn before we experience. Why else would God leave us a 2,000 page instruction manual?  So 21 or 27 or 58 or 15, I'll seek wisdom they way I did as little girl blowing away the petals of dandelion and wishing for "wisdom." 8-year Laura didn't understand what wisdom was, but my Bible said it was good so I wanted it. And though I will never be wise, the Lord will be faithful to bless me with words to share, ideas to contemplate and discuss, truth to know, believe and live out; and while I may have many more years to learn many more things, no statement like "she's still young" can be rightfully justified of the heart who seeks Jesus. Here's a promise, and one that I don't make lightly:

Like 11-year-old middle-school Laura on beaches of Wilmington, NC who was unafraid to approach strangers and ask them if they have the security about life after death, and

Like 13-year-old dance instructor Laura on the way to a conference in Atlanta, GA who unknowingly committed a felony by writing  "Jesus loves you" on all her dollar bills just in case someone who received one needed to hear it,

Like 19-year-old Australian traveler Laura who  used her American accent to start conversations on the train everyday so people would ask about the sticky-note Bible verses on her coffee mug everyday,

And like the 10-year-old to now 21-year-old Laura who wears a band around her left finger so that when people ask what "purity" means, she can explain the rewards of abstaining from premarital sex, and furthermore, how her commitment to God is to fight to be pure of heart and in thought..

I will rise up without intimidation and proclaim the name of Jesus like Jerusalem was instructed to in Isaiah 60:1, "Arise, shine, for your light has come and the glory of the LORD rises upon you."

I've been a teacher since I learned how to speak. I'm an encourager, and I always will be. I don't need years of experience to figure out God's purpose for me, I need a heart that is eager and devoted to seeking Him above all else. I learn from people who are younger than I..and so what, I'm young. I promise to set an example in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. Age is relative in terms of surrender.

Changing the question: What is my purpose?

Rather than giving you an answer, I want to change the question. 

Ya know the "what am I doing here, what is my purpose in life, what do I want to do, what makes me happy" question we find ourselves asking all the time??

I think the more we try  to answer this package of undending questions about our individual purpose in life, the further we get from the answer...because we forget to remember it's not about us! It's the silliest thing. I can just imagine God chuckling every time I come before Him in distress asking "what am I supposed to do with my life?", or "where am I supposed to go, or who is the spouse you have set out for me"..yeah cause God clearly intended for me to be the center of all my thoughts. God clearly desires my number one focus to be what's gonna make me happiest!  saracasm.. I'm guilty, so guilty of holding on to the idea that I need to stress-out about planning plan my life. Let's see what scripture says about that:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the LORD who determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

But what if we were to focus on a life that is a wee bit more important than our own? ..In understanding the Messiah's purpose, we might be so compelled to take a different approach to understanding the meaning of life.

"The one who serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, there my servant also will be.." (John 12:26)

**Since we as Christians are called to follow Jesus, to be where He is, let's take a look at His purpose to determine where He is, and thus, where we should be.  Have a read or two, or twelve through Isaiah 61. 

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of dispair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

(Isaiah 61)


Next time you're frustrated that God hasn't given you a clear path to take, he has! The narrow one! Try starting with knowing Jesus' purpose, and lining yours up with it :)


X0