A Psalm 139 Intimacy

LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.

You observe my travels and my rest;

You are aware of all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue,

You know all about it, LORD.

You have encircled me;

You have placed Your hand on me.

This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.

It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

It is often my desire to be known, to be understood, for people to see straight to the heart behind the things I do and say. It's a selfish thing really, and my pride is to blame. Lately I've been trying to understand rather than to be understood, to hear rather than be heard, to watch in admiration at the way people think and act and are rather than to be watched and admired. And it is so reassuring to know when I am overwhelmed with the desire for other people to do the same to me that there is someone who not only sees and understands me, but knows me intimately - and guess what, he knows the selfish and prideful thoughts just as well as he knows the kind and pure-hearted things..but loves me all the same.

For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, 
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.

Wow. How intimate! Where in our hearts is there room for insecurity when the God of all the earth sees the most intimate and secretive parts of us and loves us so so so much? Where do we lack beauty when we are remarkably and wonderfully knit together piece by piece by the God of beauty? Where do we find worry and paralyzing regret when our days were written before we could plan a single one of them??

God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend;
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.
See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way.

In a self-praising society we are inspired to "discover ourselves," understand who we are, find a reason to love ourselves. Finding ourselves is difficult, so we admire the people we think "have it all figured out." As for figuring ourselves out, there's someone who already has - who understands you and me down to why we chew our food the way we do. Shouldn't we trust God's understanding of us more than we trust our own?..much less someone else's? So rise to a bigger challenge:

"God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!"

Pursuit

Pursue love, yet eagerly desire spiritual gifts. (1 Corinthians 14:1)
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The word pursue brings several things to mind that remain uncaptured by Webster's definition.  When pursuing something as powerful as love, I would equate the phrase "to seek out of eager desire; to wholeheartedly go after something - often resulting in and/or requiring the sacrifice of something else."


If we seek to find; and we sacrifice in order to make room for something, we must know that if we seek the wrong things, we'll find the wrong things. Furthermore, we must be careful of what it is we're sacrificing and what it is we're making room for. Let's take a look at what Paul wrote to a young Timothy:

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22)

Impurity and purity cannot coexist in the same heart, neither can sin and righteousness. Take note that before Paul instructs Timothy to pursue righteousness, he tells him to flee from youthful lusts.  This goes back to the idea of sacrificing something to make room for something else.  Deny the sin of lust that entangles. Make room in your heart to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace.

Since we're on the topic, let's zoom in on lust. We pursue things out of desire, but desire isn't always a bad thing, nor does it always give birth to sin. Since we commonly hear about the physical lust that mostly men struggle with, I'd like to explore the emotional lust that women fall victim to.  "When a young lady dreams of her wedding day and someone to love her and call her..whatever sappy gushy nickname she prefers, that's a good desire. But when that desire overwhelms her desire to know God in a deep and real way it becomes a distraction in her life. It is now lust, and it can ruin her spiritual future." (Steven Furtick in his book Love, Dating, and other insanities.)

but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (James 1:14-15)
If a healthy desire takes precedence in her life, heart, and pursuit over her pursuit of knowing God intimately, that distraction has become an idol. One word, girls. DANGER.

Scripture is pretty clear about what we should pursue, and it's safe to say that anything outside of that has the potential to damage your heart and your relationship with the Lord. Wholeheartedly chasing after righteousness, faith, love and peace results in, and requires, the surrender of our own desire to feel loved and wanted by a man. Search your heart to find what it is you pursue that takes up space where Jesus belongs.


What God tells us to pursue:

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Psalm 34:14)




Wisdom is supreme; therefore, get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

 

He must turn from evil and do good. He must seek peace and pursue it. (1 Peter 3:11)

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. (Proverbs 21:21) 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. (Matthew 6:33)

So I'm Young

My verse of the day yesterday was  2 Timothy 4:2: "Preach the Word, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." 

Today it's the popular 1 Timothy 4:12: "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 

In a lot of ways I feel like I was more mature as a high-schooler. Silly concept, right? But while my innocence was always mistaken for naivety, my relationship with the Lord was so pure before I was introduced to the sins of adulthood. I always hated that I was naive, but loved it at the same time. Before I knew what drunkenness was like, I didn't care for it. Before I knew financial struggle was, I wasn't anxious..

So I cherish my youth, and embrace it. Yeah, I'm living in the big girl world where I have to have a job to support myself and take responsibility for unforeseen circumstances, but I don't have to feel like I need to be older to have the wisdom of the ages. We learn from experience, but it is possible to learn before we experience. Why else would God leave us a 2,000 page instruction manual?  So 21 or 27 or 58 or 15, I'll seek wisdom they way I did as little girl blowing away the petals of dandelion and wishing for "wisdom." 8-year Laura didn't understand what wisdom was, but my Bible said it was good so I wanted it. And though I will never be wise, the Lord will be faithful to bless me with words to share, ideas to contemplate and discuss, truth to know, believe and live out; and while I may have many more years to learn many more things, no statement like "she's still young" can be rightfully justified of the heart who seeks Jesus. Here's a promise, and one that I don't make lightly:

Like 11-year-old middle-school Laura on beaches of Wilmington, NC who was unafraid to approach strangers and ask them if they have the security about life after death, and

Like 13-year-old dance instructor Laura on the way to a conference in Atlanta, GA who unknowingly committed a felony by writing  "Jesus loves you" on all her dollar bills just in case someone who received one needed to hear it,

Like 19-year-old Australian traveler Laura who  used her American accent to start conversations on the train everyday so people would ask about the sticky-note Bible verses on her coffee mug everyday,

And like the 10-year-old to now 21-year-old Laura who wears a band around her left finger so that when people ask what "purity" means, she can explain the rewards of abstaining from premarital sex, and furthermore, how her commitment to God is to fight to be pure of heart and in thought..

I will rise up without intimidation and proclaim the name of Jesus like Jerusalem was instructed to in Isaiah 60:1, "Arise, shine, for your light has come and the glory of the LORD rises upon you."

I've been a teacher since I learned how to speak. I'm an encourager, and I always will be. I don't need years of experience to figure out God's purpose for me, I need a heart that is eager and devoted to seeking Him above all else. I learn from people who are younger than I..and so what, I'm young. I promise to set an example in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. Age is relative in terms of surrender.

Changing the question: What is my purpose?

Rather than giving you an answer, I want to change the question. 

Ya know the "what am I doing here, what is my purpose in life, what do I want to do, what makes me happy" question we find ourselves asking all the time??

I think the more we try  to answer this package of undending questions about our individual purpose in life, the further we get from the answer...because we forget to remember it's not about us! It's the silliest thing. I can just imagine God chuckling every time I come before Him in distress asking "what am I supposed to do with my life?", or "where am I supposed to go, or who is the spouse you have set out for me"..yeah cause God clearly intended for me to be the center of all my thoughts. God clearly desires my number one focus to be what's gonna make me happiest!  saracasm.. I'm guilty, so guilty of holding on to the idea that I need to stress-out about planning plan my life. Let's see what scripture says about that:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the LORD who determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

But what if we were to focus on a life that is a wee bit more important than our own? ..In understanding the Messiah's purpose, we might be so compelled to take a different approach to understanding the meaning of life.

"The one who serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, there my servant also will be.." (John 12:26)

**Since we as Christians are called to follow Jesus, to be where He is, let's take a look at His purpose to determine where He is, and thus, where we should be.  Have a read or two, or twelve through Isaiah 61. 

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has annointed me to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of dispair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

(Isaiah 61)


Next time you're frustrated that God hasn't given you a clear path to take, he has! The narrow one! Try starting with knowing Jesus' purpose, and lining yours up with it :)


X0

Innate Desire to Know You

"God You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water." -Psalm 63:1

Do you remember as a child wanting something so bad that it brought you to tears? ..Maybe a toy or a designer shirt like all the cool kids had?  Even as a wordless baby, we knew how to communicate to our parents that we wanted something..that we were hungry or thirsty or wanted a specific chew toy..or that we just wanted to be held.  We weren't able to say I love you or understand the concept of family, but we knew want.  

It isn't necessarily a bad thing, even though we Christians tend to criticize selfish tendencies. The difference lies in what it is we desire. I'm not saying it's wrong to want ice-cream - in that case, I'd be the world's worst sinner.  What is heartbreaking, however, is so many of us don't understand that we were created with this innate desire-desire from birth-to know Jesus, to experience Him, to live in relationship with a God that is so much bigger than little us.  He is the truest form of the love that we so desperately yearn for as teenagers and adults. He is the truest form of the beauty we are drawn to in other people and want for ourselves.  Jesus is the most fulfilling, giving, satisfying person place or thing, but so many of us don't know that He created us with want not so that we can satisfy our flesh, but so that we can want Him.  

In Psalm 63 David is stranded in the wilderness, the desert of Judah without family, yet he doesn't cry out to satisfy his physical needs. Verse 1 in the NIV translation says, "my whole body longs for You." And verse 3, "Your love is greater than life." Here we see David understanding that a well of water in the desert won't satisfy his thirst..family and friends in a desolate land won't ease his loneliness..No, it is God that he desires with every inch of his being. 

..And that is something so beautiful to me.  As a person who craves intimacy and attention, it is so humbling to realize that I was created with those desires so that I can wake up in the morning and want to know God more that day..so that I can desire to be in the one relationship that will never fail me at some point in life..I want, not as a result of the media telling me I should have more, but because I was created to want Jesus, and to always want Him more, know Him more intimately, understand his teaching more and more and more and more. 

It's not bad to want more..so long as we know the reason we were made to want.

Consequence (my story)

I was driving through the sunset-painted stretch from Forth Worth to Waco yesterday.. admiring the beauty around me, wondering when the last time was that I cleared my mind to just exist wholly in the Lord's presence. And I started asking for a breakthrough in our relationship (God's and mine), not a revolution, but a realization, a baby step in the right direction.  During my Monday evening jog I had contemplated the concept of being punished for sin, and what that might look like in my life.  My mind immediately went back to the jog from a few days earlier, and an influx of emotion made its way to my face.  As quickly as the tears had come to my eyes, they were rolling down my cheek and onto my shorts. And in that moment of vulnerability and weakness, I could pray...really pray, I mean.. hear and respond... to finally realize that for the last 6 months, I haven't been held captive by imaginary thoughts of  future or overwhelming desire.  No, not at all as I had thought. On the contrary, I have been undergoing what is most certainly punishment for my sin.  

I'm driving still, offering all south-bound traffic the opportunity to think up crazy scenarios of what poor blondie in the Honda must be going through.  No shame, completely bear-boned and naked before the Lord (figuratively, of course), I was experiencing the break-through I prayed for just moments earlier.  And  I realized the "don't do it" feeling in my gut last November was much more than my conscience telling me this is wrong; it was my God telling me there will be consequences for my actions, should I choose to proceed.  Have I sinned before? umm yeahh..and this particular sin? plenty of times. But this time I heard the voice of reason in well-enough time to make the right decision, yet I still chose to follow through with the wrong one..that's deliberate disobedience, a slap in the face to the one trying to protect me.  It's a reflection of the lie I've sorta been living for as long as I can remember...The same lie that got me detention in high school and my first speeding ticket.  The lie that is responsible for tons of great stories, but has caused me a lot of pain.. The lie that I don't answer to anyone but myself.  

For as long as I can remember, I've never really been afraid of consequences.  I always thought I wasn't doing anything bad enough to get in any real trouble, or that what I was doing wasn't wrong - maybe irresponsible, but not wrong.  I have been free as a bird, living a carefree, happy-go-lucky life, uninhibited by the worry and stress that burden the rest of the world! That's what makes me me! ..True, yeah..but also a bit selfish and immature.  I would always pride myself in not living a mundane life, in living a life of adventure and risk. I still do.  But allowing that free spirit to leak into my decision-making and into my social and spiritual responsibilities has given me a sense of entitlement that I do not own...an entitlement to act however I want and say whatever I want so long as my intentions are pure.

So I've been tangled in this 6-month web of deceit and misspent passion as a result of my deliberate disobedience.  Freedom couldn't come until I learned.  I couldn't learn until I understood.  And I couldn't be forgiven until I was actually sorry. Punishment has a good way of making us remorseful...which in turn, has a good way of making us grow and change.  Now to get to the root of the sin.. hmmmmm.

Is there a mountain in your life that may exist because you've sinned?..Feel separated from God, or like something is holding you back?  Maybe, like me, you're suffering as a result of your sin, which is ultimately separation from God (loneliness, hurt, anxiety or depression, insecurity, pride, self-righteousness..)? Dig deep with Him, brother or sister, because I promise you He loves you so tenderly and unconditionally that he wants nothing but the very best for you.

xo - Laura

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Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.  Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. JAMES 1:14-16