For I know in part & I prophesy in part; but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. (taken from 1 Corinthians 13:9)
I was confronted by the all-familiar face of conviction the other day. I love being corrected but it hurts every time. Anyway, I was convicted about this sneaky little (huge) sin that has held me captive since grade school – the perfection strife. Of course, by convicted I don’t mean a soft sweet voice whispered in my ear that I need some heart changes; we’re talking more like the sky opened up & dropped a bright red 2-ton boulder on my head. What's worse than the headache is the imprint it left across my forehead, which reads “STILL TRYING.”
I was confronted by the all-familiar face of conviction the other day. I love being corrected but it hurts every time. Anyway, I was convicted about this sneaky little (huge) sin that has held me captive since grade school – the perfection strife. Of course, by convicted I don’t mean a soft sweet voice whispered in my ear that I need some heart changes; we’re talking more like the sky opened up & dropped a bright red 2-ton boulder on my head. What's worse than the headache is the imprint it left across my forehead, which reads “STILL TRYING.”
The same struggle
that I’ve surrendered multiple times. The same
sin that pushes many of us into fear, into self-righteousness, into
overwhelming anxiety. In Romans 9, we see how that turns out for the
hard-working Jews, God's "chosen people," who are committed to
righteousness by striving on their own accord; & how it turns out for the
Gentiles, who have nothing to believe on but faith. Here’s what happens:
“What should we say then? Gentiles,
who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained righteousness – namely the
righteousness that comes from faith. But Israel, pursuing the law for
righteousness, has not achieved the righteousness of the law. Why is that?
Because they did not pursue it by faith, but as if it were by works. They
stumbled over the stumbling stone. As it is written:
Look! I am putting a stone in Zion to stumble over
and a rock to trip over, yet the one
who believes on Him
will not be put to shame.”
- Romans 9:30-33
I’m not good at being the care-free, perfectly
focused girl who lets herself be pursued by her dream guy. I’m not good at
being the perfectly selfless friend who doesn’t think about her own foolish
travesties while lending an ear. I’m not good at being the girl who
perfectly manages her time & never misses an opportunity to consider the
needs of others before her own. Furthermore, I'm not going to be the
employee who does everything right, changes the way the market works, &
brings infinite fortune & good will on her company tenfold. I’m just
not. And I don’t know what’s worse – the sin of me thinking I
can be those things, or the guilt & shame that overwhelms me from failing
every time I try.
And there we have it – I'm modeling at least 2 of
the ways that we try to play God. His role, of course, is absolutely
irreplaceable. There is no other God; and God does not need an
understudy.
When we try to be manage our relationships
perfectly, when we try to maintain this false image of having it all together, when
we act like we can get or do more by trying harder, we're saying “Hey, God, Don't even worry about making it to the show tonight. I'll be there right on time to act out the part
& hey.. I won't even ask for my name to be in the program!" ..What a
joke. It's no surprise we wouldn't get a standing ovation. Not to mention, when
we do that, God is still there playing the role of God, which means we're fumbling around the stage fighting for lines
without noticing He's there doing His
thing.
We do not get to be perfect (Philippians 3:12)
We are not expected to be (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Our sins have been paid for (Isaiah 53:6)
We are proclaimed righteous by the cross (Romans 5:1)
We are co-heirs with Christ of the kingdom of God (Romans 8:17)
Food for thought:
-When we fear that we are going to
“mess it up, ” it is wise to remember that if it is in God's will, we can’t mess it up (Romans 8:28)
-If we are afraid to try something
because we are afraid of failing, we have to remember that we weren’t given a
spirit of slavery to fall back into fear (Romans 8:15)
And I know that there is nothing good
in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I
want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I
do it anyway. – Romans 7:18-19
Daddy, let me rest in your grace. Let me see YOUR
righteousness when I look in the mirror. I can’t bare the guilt of my own
sin, of my shortcomings that are inevitable. And You already have. Teach me to
respect what happened on the cross. With a humble heart & a thankful spirit I acknowledge that You are God and I am absolutely not. You are sovereign,
and I couldn’t take on that responsibility if I actually wanted to. I bring
to you my broken, needy mess & lay it at your feet in exchange for a
crown. God make beauty from my ashes & a garment of praise from my heaviness. Forgive me for thinking I can or must do anything good by my own strength.
xo
